CHAPTER 22: FEAR

Fear. 

Men do have fears. However, the fears should not paralyze us. Writing this chapter is making me afraid. 

Just kidding. 

I am wary. Wariness is not fear. Trepidation is not fear. Fear must be tackled. This is smash mouth, in your face, straight up RDACE, facing fear.   

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

                              

And….

“Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it.”
---- Lt. John B. Putnam Jr. (1921-1944)” [i]

Facing a fear is not easy. It is not always fun, however it is an adventure. It should not stop us. It should not paralyze us. There are many times when I have been afraid, some recent, most in my youth. I am not trying to say that I am Mr. Tough Guy, or invincible, but I do not dwell on fear. I lived in a van, and played guitar on the street, and that at times was scary… 

Fear is a disease. It is cured by facing it, head-on, with education, or stupidity.

I do not recommend the stupidity method; it is frequently used by the THMB&WTC. The cure is sometimes worse than the affliction. I do recommend facing and gaining education of your fears. That will cure 90% of the fears you have. 

Or stop watching horror films.

Fear can be good. It can help us make some intelligent choices. It can also be bad. It can make us make some stupid choices. Fear, however is typically neutral, although it may have helped in the propagation of the species.

“….From an evolutionary perspective, fear has certainly been a good thing, protecting humans.”[ii]

Yeah, right. Right? Maybe. Doubt it? Hmmmm. 

I am afraid I was not really paying attention. What are we talking about? 

Oh yeah, fear. 

Fears did help us at times in our historical past. And we did get rid of most of the witches, by burning them at the stake. And there is always the fear of failure. No one likes to fail. Fears are good?

If we had no fear, the world would be filled with the THMB&WTC crowd. Of course the world would only have a handful of occupants. Maybe that would not be so bad. It would sure cure those traffic snarls and road rage. 

Stupidity kills. There would be fewer wars, and terrorism. However, the species would not last either. Stupidity would see to that. 

Fear is good!

“If we open any recent book on the origins of religion, we find that there is one point on which all authors are in agreement. They agree that religion arose in the world out of fear.”[iii]

Wait a minute. 

People are dying because of religious convolutionists. Wars are started by these IOT.  Religion may have been created by and for the fears of our human minds; however, I am afraid that the creation of religion may be detrimental to the survival of our species. 

How is that for irony? 

The very question, fear, which religion is supposed to answer, creates more fear.  Pick up almost any newspaper today or refer to a history book and you can read about the bloody wars attributed to these religious intolerances and the persecution of people of differing religious beliefs. 

The Middle East. Ireland. The crusades. The Bible. 

There are many more.

Just the other day I was walking down the street and I saw a rabbi and a catholic priest involved in fist-to-cuffs. A group of Jehovah’s Witness’s were standing nearby, watching the altercation and quickly jumped into the fray, Then some Seventh Day Adventists and a group of Muslims got involved. 

The battle was in full swing. 

It was almost quelled when a Buddhist monk began to talk them all down from the ledge, however, an Amish buggy ran over the monk, and I had to break it up. 

Thankfully, I know how to calm people down. I merely started a conversation about the Detroit Lions. While we all had our own opinions on the upcoming season, we all could agree they have really sucked. Since MM came to town.

Until last year.

They were not bad. 

That and we all truly hate the Packers.

One of my biggest fears however, has to do with Sundays. And it is not about which religion to believe, which church to attend. Or that I will get skunked fishing. This fear is most prevalent in the fall, when the modern day gladiators assemble in the coliseums of cities like Green Bay, Denver, Dallas and of course, 

Detroit. On these particular Sundays, my favorite team, the LIONS, usually gets a spanking. I am afraid I may not live to see the LIONS in the Super Bowl, let alone WIN a Super Bowl. This thought send chills down my spine. 

Oh, and in case you are wondering praying does not help. 

Damn those Detroit Lions. 

However, I am not paralyzed by these fears. I keep on watching them play and lose. And while I am watching I am still able to knock down a couple Rolling Rocks.™  See, the ability to drink is proof that this horrific fear does not paralyze me. I face it. 

Every Sunday. During football season.

Fears, when they become irrational, become phobias. In case you wanted to know, the LIONS win just enough games to keep my fear from becoming irrational. I can justify anything. I am a LIONS fan.  However, there are many different phobias. 

Try this link if you want to find out how many there are. http://www.phobialist.com/reverse.html 

I stopped counting at seven, at which point my fear of the next number, eight, which I cannot mention due to my Octophobia, kicked in. My favorite phobia name is Arachnophobia. The movie was a bit lame, but I love the word. 

Arachnophobia… I really do not like spiders, they creep me out, crawling around in your mouth at night, and taking a big dump. 

That is where morning breath comes from, right? Spider poop?

There are also fears that men face when they are about to become a father. I would think the fear of having a daughter would be on this list. As a man, I have decided my daughter will not date until she is 35. Besides, as I mentioned earlier, I will scare off any WBS. 

I KNOW what guys want, I know what they will say when they are involved in TOBGL. 

Moreover, the fear of seeing her on television on a late night infomercial for Hotsie Totsie Naked Co-eds or the ilk, is well, you know just plain creepy. However, there is no mention of these very real and possible fears in the following quote.

“Seven fears expectant fathers face Security fears Performance fears Paternity fears  Mortality fears  Fear for your spouse's or child's health  Relationship fears  Fears of "women's medicine"[iv]

What the hell are fears of “women’s medicine”? I can grasp all the others, but “women’s medicines?” I thought we killed all the witches centuries ago. Didn’t we? Probably not, as there is this “women’s medicines” to be afraid of now. 

I did not research what this phrase means, however I can guess it has something to do with caldrons and boiling men, after the kids are born. 

Or voodoo dolls. 

I did not research it because I was afraid. No, moreover, I have already used my allotted time for research on other fear related nonsense.

"Perhaps the most famous fear quote of all time: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."
---- FDR - First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933[v]

Actually, there is only one thing men really have to fear is….Having a vasectomy…

“Having an operation involving the testicles is every man's fear. To a greater or lesser degree, just about every man would rather not have anything to do with a procedure on or near his genital region. Simply recognizing that this fear exists is a first step.” [vi]

BS…there is no first step for me. Step away from the grapes, and no one, especially me, gets hurt. I know guys that have had this procedure done. It has been horror story after horror story. Oh yeah, a couple guys have had a decent go ‘round with this procedure, but not enough to change MY mind. 

No thank you, I will pass. 

I would rather have my eyes gouged out with spoons. Phobia, fear, irrational? Do not care. Leave the sack where it is at, and we all will live to see another day.

“It's often a measure of comfort to the man that the vasectomy is far easier for him than surgical options would be for his wife.”[vii]

No way would it be a comfort to me. I do not wish anyone that kind of pain. Not even my wife! Unless it is a matter of life or death, I would NOT prefer my wife have this spayed-thingy, procedure, or surgery either.

I am afraid I have run out of things to say on fear. But this will not paralyze me. I have other topics to discuss. 

Together we have faced this fear thing... 

Let’s move on...

---

[i] http://phobialist.com/fears.html Copyright © 1996-2004 Fredd Culbertson

[ii] http://www.genomenewsnetwork.org/articles/04_03/phobias.shtml  Mapping Primal Fears   Adam Marcus  April 4, 2003

[iii] http://www.budsir.org/handbook/looking_at_buddhism.htm   Handbook  For Mankind.Buddhasas bhikkihu

[iv] http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/pregnancy/expectingdads/8247.htmlBy Jerrold Lee Shapiro, special to BabyCenter 

[v] http://phobialist.com/fears.html  Copyright © 1996-2004 Fredd Culbertson

[vi] http://www.vasectomy.com/htm/Vasectomy/fears.htm

[vii] http://www.vasectomy.com/htm/Vasectomy/fears.htm

CHAPTER 21: REACH DOWN AND COUNT ‘EM

Reach down and count’em. I am not sure where this phrase comes from, or who said it first. The first time I heard it was in 1986. A friend of mine at the time, Doug B. said it during a poker game. If you cannot figure out the gist of it, it does not mean to reach down and count the cards. This phrase has to do with balls, bullocks, or as the medical world likes to call them, testicles or testes. Most men have two. Unless you have had a freak accident, testicular cancer, or are an unfortunate guy with only one, (my heart goes out to you if you are in the previous categories) the pair is a matched set. The Pack Credentials.  They are a major part of manhood.

Testicular two’s. The nutsack. The berries. The twins. The family jewels. Your pair of dice. Ping-pong balls. The grapes. The rocks. If you do not grasp this concept by now, you never will. Give the book to the nearest man, and just walk away. 

Having brass balls is a compliment. Brass is not the hardest of metals or alloys, but it is harder than flesh. Even if you have brass balls, it still hurts when the grapes are kneed. There is not man I know that does not know the pain of being kicked in the balls. It can bring even the strongest man down. It is exquisite pain. After the action of being kicked in the dice, you will usually reach down and count ‘em as well. Gotta make sure they are still there. However, the purpose of this chapter is to discuss the relative manliness of having a pair.

When your guy pack is ready to do this adventure or that adventure, asking the boss is often the phrase used when running an idea past the wife, or girl friend, sig-oth. If you happen to be the unlucky packmate whose wifey says no to going on a weekend hiatus, the bar, or any other guything, the phrase that follows from the pack is Reach Down And Count ‘Em. RDACE. YOU ARE THE MAN! Let the women know what is up and that you ARE going to do the guything, and she cannot tell you what you can and cannot do. RDACE.

Great advice from a guy that is constantly on TMB. If you want marriage advice, I think you have me confused with some one who cares. Men do not need permission. Be the man! Rule the roost. Are you the Alpha dog, or the shebiatch?

Men do not LET anyone rule their life. They stand up and RDACE. As a former business owner, I have had many dealings with other business owners. It amazes me that many of these guys with millions are so devoid of balls. Their sack is empty. They hide behind a wall of lackeys, and lawyers to dodge the phone or any confrontation. They live in the world of spin. They are not men of honor. When you say RDACE to these guys, they instantly pull a wad of bills out of their pockets and start counting. Maybe they traded their beans for a bag of gold. What a bunch of pansies. A man honors what he says and does what he says he will do. I would rather stand and fight with a poor man with sack, then stand and fight with a rich, sack less, toadyforcash.

The real proof is in the number of dead young men and women in wars, fought by enlistees.

“….today's recruits are financially strapped, ...coming from lower-middle-class to poor households, according to new Pentagon data based on Zip codes and census estimates of mean household income. Nearly two-thirds of Army recruits in 2004 came from counties in which median household income is below the U.S. median.”[i]

Meanwhile the rich toadiesforcash stand on the sidelines and buy their offspring out of harms way. That, my friends, is a major act of cowardice. Or no dice. Cowardice is directly related to sackage. The guys with sack, the guys that RDACE, while they may know fear, have enough co-jones to face the fear, and deserve our respect.  

Josey Wales, Captain Kirk, John McClane, Han Solo, Captain Quint, and Joseph Cornelius 'Joe' Hallenbeck all had sack. They had stones. Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone, a member of the toadyforcash class, did not. Granted these are all fictional characters, however these characters are all men. You cannot argue with that.

The testicular two’s give you sovereignty. It makes us kings. It is a mandate to be rulers. As the definition of sovereignty below suggests.

“Sovereignty (French souveraineté, from medieval Latin superanus which derives from classical Latin superus "superior" or "overness"; and from the Greek concept Basileus) is the exclusive right to exercise supreme political (legislative, judicial and/or executive) authority over a geographic region, group of people or oneself.”[ii]

As a tangent, ya gotta love any definition that involves the words super and anus in a definition, let alone combined together. Sometimes the story just writes itself, in lieu of any real effort. Man ya just gotta love that. Ya really gotta.

It makes sense! Sovereignty is simply being a superasshole. The next time someone refers to any of the kings, past and present, as superassholes or superiorassholes, you have to concur that they are. In addition, even more interesting the spell checker returned as the only suggestion, to the word “superasshole” the word  “superstore.” Hence, the only logical conclusion is the “Big Box Stores” are superassholes as well. Hence my ongoing wars with a certain yellow store and a certain orange store. The entertainment of that little tale are included in the book “Too much of a good thing? The a-maze-ment of the big box store.”

I am not opposed to stretching the parameters of thinking to new bounds. It is thinking and reasoning like this that makes me a king, and for anyone that wants to know,  it is good to be king. On the other hand that also makes me a superasshole. Just a second, let me go ask my wife. Just kidding. RDACE. Besides, I already know the answer to that question. Remember TMB.

When one of your packmates utters the ridiculous phrase, “My wife won’t let me go,” other than cringing, I simply fire off RDACE. If they still have a pair, they RDACE. Of course, this is shortly after they retrieve their junk from their wife’s purse. Telling is much better than asking. If you do not believe me, go tell your wife. Then blame it on me. I really do not care if your wife likes me. As I mentioned earlier, I can barely deal with one woman, why would I want two.

This sovereignty, this kingliness, this testicular fact, gives us the ability to set the rules of the den. It gives us the power to make the decisions. Whenever you question your manhood, simply RDACE, and remember who you are, and where you would be, without the twins dangling down there.

---

[i]http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/03/AR2005110302528_pf.html 

Youths in Rural U.S. Are Drawn To Military Recruits' Job Worries Outweigh War Fears Ann Scott Tyson

Friday, November 4, 2005; A01

[ii] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sovereignty. 

many thanks to them that said it first...

i guess it is time to post up the post mortum, and give thanks...anything in "" is from this list somewhere...

i could do more and actually number it all but why? the damn bloggerer draft mode does not copy over the numbers for quoting.. i am giving credit where credit is due...i just realized i lost all numerical credits when copy and pasting... oh well...

oh and it is a twofer day. i will be posting the next chapter as well!

__________________________________________________
Billy Hirt, Jr.


http://www.online-literature.com/orwell
 . 1984. George Orwell. 1949

Former President Bill Clinton. http://www.tompaine.com/articles/2006/03/22/pio_it_depends_on_what_your_definition_of_is_is.php


http://www.knightopia.com/journal/archives/000068.html


http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/jmbarrie.htm
 Peter Pan: Or The Boy Who Would Not Grow Up, 1904 J. M. Barrie

Phraseology from the 1970’s…don’t know who said it first…but it was a common t-shirt theme.

Donnie B. aka DP, Winter camping expedition 2005-01

http://www.darwinawards.com/


http://www.bellmore-merrick.k12.ny.us/catch22.html


Keith N. Winter camping expedition 2001.

http://www.wam.umd.edu/~stwright/WrBr/taleplane.html
 . Gary Bradshaw

http://www.nathanielbranden.net/ess/ess12.html
 .Our Urgent Need For Self-Esteem Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D (Originally published in Excellence 5/14/94. Reprinted by permission.)

http://www.askmen.com/fashion/body_and_mind/29_better_living.html
 . Increase Your Self-Esteem. Vatche Bartekian

http://www.uwlax.edu/urc/JUR-online/PDF/2004/nicksic_ducharme.pdf.


Winter camp 2006.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6849058
 By Bjorn Carey Jan. 20, 2005

Billy Hirt, Jr. 2001 Winnetka, IL

http://www.stanfordalumni.org/birdsite/text/essays/Monogamy.html
 1988. Paul R. Ehrlich, David S. Dobkin, and Darryl Wheye.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamy


Rich M.

Keith N. Minnestota fishing trip

http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/FYS/Barash%20on%20monogamy.htm
 Deflating the Myth of Monogamy, David P. Barash

Loosely borrowed from the original “Planet of the Apes” movie circa 1970ish.

http://www.thebody.com/encyclo/monogamy.html
 By Arthur Fox 1998

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtship


“The Elephant Man” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080678
 , 1980.

http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/definiti.htm
 (Meloy, 1998).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pick_up_lines


Jared P. Winter Camping 2005.

Lost in space. Television show CBS 1965 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danger%2C_Will_Robinson http://www.lostinspacetv.com/news/index.html


http://dating.about.com/od/justfortheguys
 .Jeff Cohen

http://dating.about.com/od/justfortheguys
 .Jeff Cohen

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19990901-000006.html
 .Camille Chatterjee. Psychology Today .Sep/Oct 99(Document ID: 384)

Keith N.

Rich M.

Title to a song by Cindi Lauper http://www.cyndilauper.com/bio.php
 Girls Just Want to Have Fun
 .Sony BMG Music. http://www.cyndilaupermusic.com/


You know who you are, so I will not incriminate you.

http://www.tootsie.com http://www.tootsie.com/pops.htm
l http://tootsiepop.ytmnd.com/


Aunt Sharon c.1982

http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v423/n6942/full/423810a_fs.html.
 Nature 423, 810 - 813 (19 June 2003), H. F. Willard

http://www.nature.com/nature/focus/ychromosome/index.html


Jared P. Winter Camping 2005

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086973/companycredits
 . Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation .1984

Hey , that’s my song, from Key West in 1998. wow. Shameless self-promotion, I. tell. you. what!

Internet joke author unknown.

Stan Lee editor Marvel Comics™ circa 1970.

http://www.arizona-leisure.com/the-desert-wild-rat.html
©2005 Brooke Bessesen

http://www.boyscouts.com/motto.htm


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110366
 the Little Rascals. http://www.imdb.com/wga


http://www.school-house-rock.com/3.html
 http://www.school-house-rock.com/
/ Written By Tom Yohe and George Newall Based on an idea by David B. McCall Hyperion -New York

http://www.filmsite.org/greatchickflicks.html


http://www.filmsite.org/greatchickflicks.html


http://www.filmsite.org/guyfilms
.htm

http://www.filmsite.org/guyfilms
.html

http://www.ahherald.com/atlarge/2004/040129_vegetable.html
The Vegetable Conspiracy Woody Zimmerman, Reprinted from the Washington Scimitar, 1-23-04

Ed Johnson

Ed Johnson

Ed Johnson

http://www.shutupandfish.net/
 . 260 North Orlando Avenue Cocoa Beach, Florida Copyright ©2003 Shut Up & Fish All rights reserved.

http://www.princeton.edu/~batke/moby/moby_041.html
 . Moby Dick. Herman Melville. Oxford University Press. New York.

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/pigs/smart.htm


http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/pigs/smart.htm


http://www.italian-greyhound.net/packbehave.htm


http://pinkfloyd-co.com/disco/animals/animals_album.html
 . Roger Waters. Pink Floyd. .Britania Row Studios, London January 23, 1977.

http://www.dogplay.com/Behavior/behavior.html#overview


http://www.dogplay.com/Behavior/behavior.html#overview


http://www.italian-greyhound.net/packbehave.htm


http://www.italian-greyhound.net/packbehave.htm


http://www.italian-greyhound.net/packbehave.htm


http://canines.com/library/solutions/territorial.shtml


http://canines.com/library/solutions/operant.shtml


http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/03/AR2005110302528_pf.html


Youths in Rural U.S. Are Drawn To Military Recruits' Job Worries Outweigh War Fears Ann Scott Tyson

Friday, November 4, 2005; A01

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sovereignty


http://phobialist.com/fears.html
 Copyright © 1996-2004 Fredd Culbertson

http://www.genomenewsnetwork.org/articles/04_03/phobias.shtml Mapping Primal Fears Adam Marcus April 4, 2003

http://www.budsir.org/handbook/looking_at_buddhism.htm Handbook For Mankind.Buddhasas bhikkihu
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/pregnancy/expectingdads/8247.html
By Jerrold Lee Shapiro, special to BabyCenter

http://phobialist.com/fears.html
 Copyright © 1996-2004 Fredd Culbertson

http://www.vasectomy.com/htm/Vasectomy/fears.htm


http://www.vasectomy.com/htm/Vasectomy/fears.htm

CHAPTER ONE OUR YOUTH

We grew up with Clint Eastwood anti heroes. We built things with Lego’s™ and Lincoln Logs™ with the express purpose of destroying them. We grew up with action figures. They were NOT dolls. Barbie™ is a doll. Ken™ is a doll. They had each other. G. I. Joe™ did not have a G.I. Jane. He did not even have a penis either, but that was a different era….he did not need to be anatomically correct. He was a lone wolf. He was always on the prowl for the next tour of duty. He was a mentor of The War.

terminology for the book

JARGON


(Items in bold italics are referenced to other JARGON entries) (items in bold are just for effect)

Like any great field general, I am aware of the need for effective communication and complete understanding of the words, phrases, and associated terms used in the battlefield. I have assembled a list, if you will, to assist in the ease and burgeoning familiarity with the terms henceforth used in this book. As a prerequisite to following the great adventure of guythings, you should read this first.



A

ACBF – After Ceremony Beer Fest. Some like to call this the reception. This event occurs after the wedding ceremony. This is the third most important part of a wedding to a guy.

ALL SEEING SPYING-GOVERNMENT – ASS-G. A substitute for the Orwellian term “Big Brother.” Some people may say it is a slam on G.W.B. maybe, maybe not.

ALPHA DOG – The leader of the guypack, or family pack. The dominant male in a guypack, or familypack

ANGLER’S CODE OF CONVERSATION – ACOC. Shut Up And Fish. SUAF. As seen on many t-shirts and bumper stickers. http://www.shutupandfish.net

ANSR - After Nuptials Sexual Reward. (pronounced answer, as in if you didn’t take a test drive there is your answer…the question is “Is she going to be good in bed?”) The second most important event tied to a getting married. If a test drive has not been conducted this would jump to first position, in terms of importance.

ASF – Amateurs Spouting Facts. Aka Assholes Spouting Facts. Aka, BullSh&t Artists. Aka BSA. (Not to be confused with Boy Scouts of America™). Aka Novice Spouting Facts. Aka NSF. Making up facts, or information to support what you are talking about, or explain your point of view, or just for the fun of it!

ASK AND ANSWER – AAA. A form of conversation, usually between a couple, or the police, or other prying body, involving asking a question with the expected response being an answer. A long and wordy, satisfying the inquisitor, requiring much thought, how can I get out of this conversation, answer. Or a stage of TBOGL.

ATOMIC BRAINIACS – Members of the Manhattan Project.

PREFACE

I am not a Psychologist, but Psychology was my minor and English was my major, during the 20 or so years, it took me to get my Associates Degree. Obviously, I took some time off in between classes, or I am “King of The Dullards.” Not me, I took several years off and I am a liberal arts transfer guy. Maybe someday I will transfer to a major university and receive a Bachelors Degree. I am not a doctor and I do not play one on television. I did not grow up in a posh subdivision of a major city, or in the poverty-stricken areas associated with the same. I grew up in the ‘Burbs. In a middle class neighborhood, in a middle class family. We were not poor, but we were not rich either.

I did not have a series of traumatic events; unless you count the times, I broke my glasses, lied to my father, or blew off my paper route. Those times, however, contributed to the course my life has taken. In other words, I have only the trials and tribulations associated with living in our modern world. I did not have a history of malfeasance, other than petty acts of vandalism and stupidity. They are part of The Trip and The War. I am no one special. I am pretty much an Average Bruce.