terminology for the book

JARGON


(Items in bold italics are referenced to other JARGON entries) (items in bold are just for effect)

Like any great field general, I am aware of the need for effective communication and complete understanding of the words, phrases, and associated terms used in the battlefield. I have assembled a list, if you will, to assist in the ease and burgeoning familiarity with the terms henceforth used in this book. As a prerequisite to following the great adventure of guythings, you should read this first.



A

ACBF – After Ceremony Beer Fest. Some like to call this the reception. This event occurs after the wedding ceremony. This is the third most important part of a wedding to a guy.

ALL SEEING SPYING-GOVERNMENT – ASS-G. A substitute for the Orwellian term “Big Brother.” Some people may say it is a slam on G.W.B. maybe, maybe not.

ALPHA DOG – The leader of the guypack, or family pack. The dominant male in a guypack, or familypack

ANGLER’S CODE OF CONVERSATION – ACOC. Shut Up And Fish. SUAF. As seen on many t-shirts and bumper stickers. http://www.shutupandfish.net

ANSR - After Nuptials Sexual Reward. (pronounced answer, as in if you didn’t take a test drive there is your answer…the question is “Is she going to be good in bed?”) The second most important event tied to a getting married. If a test drive has not been conducted this would jump to first position, in terms of importance.

ASF – Amateurs Spouting Facts. Aka Assholes Spouting Facts. Aka, BullSh&t Artists. Aka BSA. (Not to be confused with Boy Scouts of America™). Aka Novice Spouting Facts. Aka NSF. Making up facts, or information to support what you are talking about, or explain your point of view, or just for the fun of it!

ASK AND ANSWER – AAA. A form of conversation, usually between a couple, or the police, or other prying body, involving asking a question with the expected response being an answer. A long and wordy, satisfying the inquisitor, requiring much thought, how can I get out of this conversation, answer. Or a stage of TBOGL.

ATOMIC BRAINIACS – Members of the Manhattan Project.



B

BAH - Brave And Honorable.

THE BAH DISCLAIMER - In movies. BAH >lawful. Movies are not reality. They are entertainment. They are not reality. They are acting. Again, NOT REAL! This is important. While the guythought is “Man I want to be “John McClane or Arnold.” The reality is we are not. We may be BAH, but we must also try to live within the laws of the land. The Blackhats sometimes do win in reality. That is why these movies are appealing to the guypack. Reality is much harsher than the movies. And in movies the hero almost always wins.

BCBF – Before Ceremony Beer Fest. Aka the Bachelor’s Party. The most important part of the getting married, for a guy, unless a Test Drive has not been conducted, then it would move to second position in importance.

BEER GOGGLE FACTOR - BGF is simply the number of beers or beverages with the equivalent alcohol content in one 12-ounce beer, you had at the time of

1) Obtaining the phone number of a woman, or in some very rare cases, what you thought to be a woman. Hint: check the Adams Apple.
2) Coming up with a great idea, that in hindsight was not so good. I think we have all been there.

BF – Beer Fest. Hanging and drinking with the guys in your guypack, or other guys in the societalpack. Getting together with your packmates and knocking back some brew-skis!

BITCH(ES) – I cannot possibly have to explain this one.

BLOWSTHROWS – A fight.

BMB - Bust My Balls.

BLATHERING IDIOTS – Members of the mainstream media, the Political Machine, or other people that say things that just piss you off.

BLACKHATS – The bad guys.



C

CATCH 22 - http://www.bellmore-merrick.k12.ny.us/catch22.html

CAVE – Conversation Area(s) and Venue(s) of Escape. The area of the DEN- inclusive, where you may congregate with the guypack and packmates or may escape to for much needed solitude. Every member of the familypack should have a space like this. Sometimes we must share the space the CAVE occupies in the DEN- inclusive. You can have more than one CAVE in the Den-inclusive

CENTRUM OF THOUGHT – COT. The central idea of my many long diatribes, phrases, or reasoning. Hell, most of the time I cannot remember what I was really trying to say anyway. What was I talking about?

CHICKERY – Relating to movies, romanticism. Relating to all other topics and ideology, things that appeal to women. Things that only appeal to men if they are attempting TOBGL.

CITATE – The act of giving a citation, in instances of extreme driving stupidity.

CLOSING THE DEAL – CTD. The end result of TBOGL. Getting laid

COLLECTIVE PACKMATES - All guys, everywhere.

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM – Beliefs or theories held by individuals or groups that may or may not be infallible, or correct. It is an edict for Daring Adventures to push the boundaries of these beliefs and theories to determine if they are, in fact, correct..

CONSERVATION OF CONVERSATION THEOREM – COCT. (pronounced cocked) When one is asked a question that can be answered with one two or three words; one must use only one two or three words, to effectively answer the question. (Name, rank, and serial number)

COYOTE(S) – Cheating On Your Other-half, Terminating Endearment, (Stupid). COYOTES as defined in this book are unfaithful dogs. The cheating act is called pulling a COYOTE. In cased where this occurs multiple times, it is called COYOTES, and is also the plural of COYOTE. MBMR

D

DACRONYM – Duel use acronym, duel acronym. (See also loyal)

DARING ADVENTURERS – The men and women that defied conventional wisdom to aspire to societal or belief changing events, actions, or knowledge.

DATE movie(s) – During Attempted TBOGL Exemption. The only time it is acceptable to watch a DATE movie, aka Chick flick. Feel free to use this exemption as during the QFS AND TBOGL AS OFTEN AS YOU WISH. You can even use this after marriage if it helps you get a piece!

DARWIN AWARDS - http://www.darwinawards.com

DEFLECTION – The art or act, in conversation, of changing the subject in an effort to no longer be the object of the taunts, jibes, or derision. AKA deflect, deflect.

DEN – Domestic Engineering Netherlands. Your house, apartment, or trailer. Where you live, with the familypack, and/or Sig-Oth or by yourself, if it were..

DEN- inclusive – The entirety of your home, land and property, including the CAVE and FORT.

DIRTBOX – Slang for bunghole.

DOG - Disclaimer Of Guythoughts. Not all guythoughts should be vocalized. See also GPS.

DIG-IT - Doctorate In Guythings- Including Thinking. THE DEGREE from HUNK.

DOCUMENTED RESEARCH – Research by others, following accepted norms, not just off the cuff rational as in ASF.

DOOM - Definition Of Our Maleness. Our job/career is a major way we define who we are.

DOOMED - Definition Of Our Maleness Egregious Decision. This means picking a crappy career. I will let each man decide how great or crappy his career choice is. I have had several poor choices.

DOWNSIZEITIS – An affliction occurring after the pups have left the den, whereby the mother and father sell the family house and move into a Condo. Hopefully, in a warm climate, or on a lake.

DRY SPELL – Length of time in days, months or years since you last had sex with a woman. If it gets to years, check to see if you were drafted into the priesthood, and they forgot to tell you.



E

EOTWAWKI - While many Packer fans may think this is a suburb of Milwaukee, this actually means: End Of The World As We Know It. Aka my friend Ed O’Lawki, Eventual Demise Of Life As We Know It.

ERECTORSET – An erection.



EVERYONE – As referenced to Chapter 5: Equality, everyone means ALL MEN.



F

FAMILY movies – Films Acceptable for Men and Including Ladies and Youths. Movies rated G, mostly. Occasionally rated PG.

FAMILYPACK – The family. This pack includes yourself and the subservient members of the pack, including the Sig-Oth or wife and/or pups.

FEM - Fantasy of Engagement and Marriage. The dream wedding, for women.

FEMMIEWACKJOB – A woman that is surrounded by redflags. Crazy, even to you. Out there, Way out there, and/or insane. Hint: if she mentions marriage in the initial small talk, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. These women are not to be confused with the Femborg.

FEMBORG – Focused on Emasculating Men By Organizing Ridiculous Groups. Radical feminists. Many of these women have been shunned by men. I have heard that many are lesbians. Most likely TOWCies.. A major factor contributing to this unmanly cause may be NORCBO’s. While a Femborg can be a femmiewackjob, as well, generally, they have no interest in men, other than our imminent destruction; hence, they are a female to avoid, at all costs. If they are in a group, the danger level is extremely high. Do not try to reason with these women. Just back away, then turn and run!

FIASCO - Failed Ingenuity Assimilates Specious or Convoluted Operations.

FORT – Fasthold(s) Of Reworking Things. The area of the DEN- inclusive, where the workshop or a majority of tools, and extra parts and pieces are stored for use. You may have more than one space for this. Examples of the FORT are garages, sheds, basement workshops, and the second bedroom in an apartment, not occupied by a pup, whereas the major purpose is reworking, fixing or creating things.





G

GIVEASH&T FACTOR- GASF. This is a numbered factor ranked from one to ten. High being more giveash&t, lower meaning less giveash&t. Obviously relating to the amount you care or do not care for the topic being discussed.

GODS CRUEL JOKE – GCJ. Man and woman. Creatures that depend on each other, for the sake of the species, yet cannot possibly understand each other. The main reason for POC.

GPS – Guythought Protection Switch. The switch that keeps our guythoughts from becoming a verbalization and catapulting us over the LOS. This is an imaginary switch, that flashes red when we are dangerously close to vocalizing a phrase, or phrases that will not be received well. This is also a monitoring switch during TBOGL. However, as we all know the PO’s require honesty. Many guythoughts are brutally honest. While we can be brutally honest with our packmates, the PO’s are a different story. It is a Catch 22.

GREAT ADVENTURE – Ironic is it not, that I would have to define what this means. Anything guys do is an adventure. Great Adventures are the ones that fall into mythology, or of mythological stature. However, any story worth telling is worth embellishing a bit if you are losing the crowd. Or just because you want to.

GUYCHORES – The items on the ever-growing honey-do list. See also Whateveritis.

GUY! movies – Guy Utopia Yessir! Movies not made for chicks, and very little chickery. Just enough chickery to get the occasional nod, to see on the big screen with the Sig-Oth. These movies are MUCH more fun as a guything!

GUYNIRVANA – The many utopias of guy-ness. Things that make being a guy, if it is truly possible, BETTER!

GUYPACK – The group of guys you hang with, on a semi-regular basis. (pl- guypacks) It is acceptable to have many different guypacks. This is NOT reference to a PURSE.

GUYSTUFF – Packrat spoils, miscellaneous things inherent to being a guy.

GUYTHINGS – Things that guys do, or aka man things, usually in groups of two or more. Nothing sexual, for you homophobes. Wasn’t Man-thing ™ Marvel’s™ version of Swamp Thing™?

GUYTHOUGHTS – Thoughts that are specific to being a man. The way men think about things is different from how women think. A strong relationship to The War. Thoughts that may come from our Neanderthal ancestors, buried deep with in our genetics. My research team is currently searching for a possible link to the Y chromosome…Thoughts that pop into our head, and we really have no idea where they come from. At times, we suppress or should have suppressed our guythoughts, with the GPS, in order to avoid crossing LOS.

GUYTIME – Hanging out with the guypack! Doing guythings!



H

HHS – Happyhorsesh&t. People pleasing conversation.. Saying something only to appease.

HOTTIES – Hot women. Aka Naked Hotties.

HOTTIEFACTOR- The numerical equivalent of how gorgeous the woman is. Ranked 1 to 10. Geez, guys you should KNOW this. Remember, however, the hottiefactor is a relative number, as we all know, OMD is AMF. HF-1 thru HF-10. The mythical HF-11 is out there, however, I think she is a FEMBORG.

HOWL(ing) WITH THE PACK –Involvement in guythings. Going on the great adventures. Having a beer, with the packmates, in the cave/fort. Watching the game. Hanging with the guypack.

HUMP – Hominid Understanding of Male Philosophy. Broken down to various course in guythoughts, i.e. guythoughts 101 et al.

HUNK – Hominid University of Neanderthalic Knowledge. The major course of study is HUMP. This is where all those guythoughts have their roots. The PO’s try to write it off to thinking with our little head. But really what do they know any way?

HYPOCHRISTIANS – Hypocritical Christians. We all know a few. Religion is a great way to support your belief; until you are caught, doing something that is diametrically opposed to that belief, making you a hypocrite, while still a Christian.



I

ICE-AISE –I Calls ‘Em- As I Sees ‘Em. (Pronounced I says).

IDIOCY INDEX - A scale of whole numbers valued 1-7 in which 1 is least idiotic, minor cuts and bruises and 7 probably results in dismemberment or death, see also THMB&WTC.

IF LOOKS COULD KILL-LOOK – What can I say? We have all seen this look at one time or another…I will not define it, as you already know.

IMPENETRABLE VOID – Contrary to popular belief, this is not the space between your Sig-Oth’s ears. This IS the place where anything and everything you are missing ends up. If it were penetrable, then we would be missing far fewer things.

IOT – Idiots Out There. Anyone that is far and away more idiotic than you are. The IOT is a relative ideal, based on perception is reality. Lunatics, religious fanatics, terrorists, religious convolutionists. Extremists, morons, rejects from the THMB&WTC. Genocidal and homicidal maniacs, groups that seek to get their message across through killing. These guys grew up and were the ones that did not take their deads and are not BAH. Cowards. Hiding behind a web of deceit and false honor. Groups that do not honor other human lives. When dealing with a large group of IOT, the term IOT-o-sphere is used. (pl-IOT).

IDNSTOLDI - I Did Not Say That., OUT LOUD Did I? The guythought immediately following crossing the LOS.

IS,IS DEFENSE - “It depends on what the definition of is, is”

J

JADIP – Just Another Day In Paradise. Any time the sh&t hits the fan, you are asked how it is going, or want to NOT have a conversation, simple reply JADIP. Then smile and walk away. Either in acronym form or the complete phrase, just say it. It works.

JARGON – Judicator’s Acronyms Revealing Guythings Operant Nomenclature.

K

KICKAROUNDTHESAMEOLDSH&T - The same old same old. The continuous banter of the guypack, re-hashed for all eternity. The great thing is that we get more new crap to banter about almost every time we get together.

KEEPER BASS – Not necessarily a bass, any fish of a magnitude requiring it to become a trophy. Aka, KEEPER. (Sometimes men may refer to the wife as a keeper. This is, in fact a term of endearment.)

KNOCKAROUNDS – Clothes you wear when do guythings, hanging with the guypack, or the DIY projects around the den. These are not clothes you can wear when attempting TBOGL, going to the office, or attending a wedding or a funeral. You may have a bizarre attachment to these clothes, they are generally comfortable, and well worn.



L

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE - LOTU. (pronounced Low too)Laws that relate things we cannot change. Gravity. Thermodynamics. Scientific stuff. Laws that require empirical data to formulate and devise.

LINE OF STUPIDITY – LOS. Doing or saying something stupid, that results in an argument with the Sig-Oth. Although, it could be applied to any conversation, this line of stupidity refers to conversations or more correctly, arguments between the sexes, generally, in the context of a marriage, or committed relationship. As defined for this book: an imaginary line that exists. I know that sounds enigmatic, however, until you have crossed this line, as a man you never knew it existed. Sometimes it is much, much better to think what you want to say, instead of saying aloud. (See also IDNSTOLDI)

LITTLE HEAD – What the TOWCies and other women, including the Femborg like to call our Penis’ head. Who cares what they think.

LOBBING BOMBS - The act of inciting a heated debate. Relating to guypacks this is when one of the packmates exploits a fiercely held viewpoint of a packmate or group of packmates just to get a reaction.

LOYAL - The dacronym FOR MEN IS Legacy Of Y (chromosome) Achieves Loyalty and, of course, the converse of the dacronym FOR WOMEN is Ladies Omitted Y (chromosome) Attenuates Loyalty



M

MALE MATERNITY - Nursing your beer, or other alcoholic substance.

MFU – Major Fu#k Up.

MILLENNIUM CLOSET – A space in our home (a basement cupboard) used to store the requisite items for surviving the Y2K bug. In this space was enough food and water for our familypack of four. The contents within the Millennium Closet would, if we were diligent in out rationing of supplies, last for approximately three or four hours. Actually, we could have made it for a week or so. However, much to my chagrin, items were constantly moved to the kitchen cabinets, and then eaten, effectively wiping out the intended purpose. I guess my family was more confident that there would be no repercussions. Maybe they were right. However, I saw this thing on The Discovery Channel about tin whiskers...

MINISTER OF FISHING – MF. I know it has other connotations, but I will let the readers decide if I qualify for that title. A Minister of Fishing is an easy ministry in which to become ordained and obtain your license to practice. Simply, blow off church one time, to go fishing, and you are in.

MEASURE OF DONENESS - MOD. When discussing DIY projects around the DEN, the actual completeness of the job is relative and left totally up to the discretion of the DIYer.

MORONGUYTHOUGHT – Generally alcohol induced, and relating to THMB&WTC, whereas the wisdom of the thought is undoubtedly questionable. The actuality of PLACING the plan into motion is where the THMB&WTC often meet the end of their road.

MONSTERS OF THE DEEP- . A phrase my father used to use, when we caught little Sunfish, Perch and Bluegills, barely able to fit the hook in their mouth. True story, I once caught a monster of the deep with a Band-Aid™ wrapper. My only witness, however died in 1998.

MONTUCKY – A fictionalized State, where some strange sexual proclivities may arise.

MOUSETRAPS – In Chapter 12: Gadgets, a mousetrap is simple the old wood and spring mousetrap. Approximately 90% of the other times it is used, it is an analogy for tinkering with various guythings, such as carburetors, broken or worn-down things, car parts, and miscellaneous inventive stuff. The list is endless. That old 8-track player, definitely a mousetrap.

MPFAR FORMULA – (Pronounced Map Far Formula.) A formula used when considering a guything involving travel and planning the travel time. Use this formula and you will be fine. Failure to use this formula may result in a FIASCO.

MY BOOK MY RULES – MBMR. Poetic license, granted to me by myself.

N

NANCYBOYTATTLETALE – A snitch. A sackless wonder.

90% PHENOMENON – A phenomenon describing projects started, by men, but only 90% completed, and considered finished. 90% is a low “A,” and we all know that is good enough for me.

NORCBO - Not Orchestrating Reconnaissance Call Blow Off. If you get her number, call her! Do not be a NORCBO’er.

NVM - Not Very Manly. A nice way to say girlish, or feminine.



O

OARC – Orchestrate A Reconnaissance Call. If you get her number call her! Do not be a NORCBO’er. (Can be pronounced oar see, or oark).

OFFICE RULES – You know, office rules. Political Correctness. Gender based rules of conduct.

OMG – Oh My God.

OMD IS AMF – One Man’s Dog is Another Man’s Fox. This explains a lot of things. I will not elucidate any farther.

OMEGA DOG – The weakest dog in the pack.

OMITS – While Webster’s OMITS this little known fact, the word OMITS is actually an acronym for Our Mission Inhibits Talking Specifically. They also conveniently neglected to address the word omission, as a confluence of the words Our Mission.

OUTTAMYASS – Making things up, to fit your contention. Quite possibly a component of the ASF or BSA. Could also be called spin-doctoring. Spin-doctoring is a prime weapon of the Political Machine, and as such a great tool when dealing with the Political Machine.



P

PACK CREDENTIALS – Another name for the penis and scrotal sack. The JUNK, The package, Et al. A PW guy will have to extract these from his wife’s purse to Howl With The Pack.

PACK – A group, As in a pack of (wild) dogs. The acronym relating to communication is Packmate Acceptable Communication Knowledge. (See also Pack Speak)

PACKMATES – The other men in your guypack.

PACKRATITIS – A disease that relates to the pursuit, collection, and storing of mostly useless, nonetheless, absolutely necessary items. The value of these items is generally indirectly proportional to their corresponding usefulness.

PACKRATSPOILS - Trinkets of intrinsic value. Stuff that is too valuable to throw away. Parts and pieces left over from various projects. The stuff that causes packratitis.

PACK SPEAK - The way guys talk to each other is different than the way women talk to each other, or the way men talk to women. This is known as Pack Speak, with the polar opposite being women speak, aka Trivial Banter.

PERPLEXING OTHERS – The only thing I can say about this is if you cannot figure out whom I am referring to, you need to start over by reading the book from the beginning. And then RDACE. As a side bar, many people mistakenly believe that the phrase PO’ed is short for pissed off, it is in reality short for the feeling of dealing with the Perplexing Others, or Perplexing Other’ed.

POC – Point Of Contention. A fundamental disagreement based on based on gender influence. (pl- POC, Point(s) Of Contention )

POTUSA - President Of The United States of America. Just needed an acronym with the word pot in it. Again, sometimes this book just writes itself. This could EASILY be pronounced pot user, but with an east coast twang, (pot-use- a).

POLITICAL MACHINE – The Man, the government, any group or groups that attempt or succeed at making the laws, enforcing the laws, or make decisions based on lobbyists, PAC’s or self-interest. Often times these decisions are antithetical to the interest of the very people they are meant to represent, the constituents. It can also be anyone that is the polar opposite of your political reasoning that does not fall into the IOT-o-sphere.

PUP(S) – Offspring, kids children. DUH!

PUSSYWHIPPED – PW. Guys that neglect to RDACE, and let The Boss, run the familypack. Do not be THAT guy.



Q

QUEST FOR SEX – QFS. The precursor to TBOGL.





R

RATPACKITTIS – An affliction whereas the affected party still worships the “Rat Pack.” The “Rat Pack” WAS cool in their time. Notice I said was.

REDFLAGS - Warning signs that the woman may be a femmiewackjob. Problem is we men see them, however, the visibility of these redflags, is indirectly proportional to the hottiefactor.

RDACE - Reach Down And Count ‘Em. ONE, TWO, yep still THERE!

RELIGIOUS CONVULUTIONISTS – People that use their religion to justify acts of a heinous nature. Fanatics that use religion to justify war. The twisting of religion to fit a psychopathology of a personal or group agenda, involving acts of atrocity.

RELIGIOUS OVER-ZEALOTS – Anyone with strong personal religious beliefs that does not fall into the IOT-o-sphere. They are mostly benign, but annoyingly outspoken in their religious passion. Often they are found passing out their literature door-to-door. In rare cases, these people will leave these religious droppings in lieu of a tip. Not to be confused with the HypoChristians, these religious passion mongers simply try to force, cajole, and coerce people to believe what they believe

S

SIG-OTH – Significant Other. No further explanation..

SHEBIATCH – You need to figure this one out for yourself.

SLEEPING GUYTHOUGHTS – This may relate to nocturnal emissions. It may relate to dreaming of Hotties. Or Naked Hotties, which may be how the nocturnal emissions come about. So to speak. Maybe.

SOME GUY AT WORK – The mythical, truly funny, guy that is involved in various stories, anecdotes, and recapitulations of often dubious account. He never has a name. He may be you at times.

SOCIETALPACK – Society, et. al.

SORROW – Shadow Of Rejection, Rebuking Our Wants. Ever been turned down by a woman. Yeah, that’s right, you KNOW SORROW.

STS – Spreading The Seed. Keeping your lineage in the societalpack, by having sex with as many women as possible. Although, you truly did not want to have a family, the primal urge is to keep your lineage in the gene pool.

STW – Sampling The Wares. Trying out as many women as you possibly can, to find out which one would be good mating material. Or just trying them out for sex sake.

SUG – Stand Up Guy. BAH. I have heard it relates to shotgun weddings as well. I refuse to believe that any guy would be forced, coerced, or ever be in a situation that required a edict of such proportions. Yeah, right.



T

TAKING YOUR DEADS – TYD. When playing a war game, (Cowboys and Indians et. al.) the act of counting to a pre-specified number before you can jump back into battle. Sometimes resulting in elimination from battle until a winner is declared.

TANTAMOUNT TWELVE - THE LIST of TWELVE items ALL MEN must have.

TBOGL - The Business Of Getting Laid. What else needs to be said?

TELEPHONE GAME – Do I need to explain this? Really? Go ask your mom.

TEST DRIVE – Try it before you buy it. For you guys that did not really read the book, pre-marital sex.

TGFT - Thank God For That (or the word This can be substituted for That)

THE BARBIE™ FACTOR – TBF. The only boyfriend of Barbie™ was Ken™.. Monogamy taught by marketing. The idea that girls had Barbie’s™, Barbie’s™ had Ken™, and the marketers used this to plant the marriage/monogamy seed in girls heads.

THE BOSS – The pet name for the woman in the relationship. It may be a compliment to the women, but backhanded as well. However, she is not really the boss. Unless you are pussywhipped. God help you if you are, because I cannot.

THE HERD – They Have Estrogen, How Estrogen Regulates Decisions. Also , women never go to the bathroom solo, when in a group. They go in herds. Guys are pack animals, women are herd animals.

THE LONG RIDE TO HELL – TLRTH. Any time THE TRIP takes very unpleasant turns, and is sooo uncomfortable that a bullet in the head or sharpened bamboo shoots in your eyes seems more appealing, you can consider your ticket punched and you are a passenger. Jumping off The Long Ride, is never easy, but nothing that is worth the effort ever is. I should note suicide is NOT what I am talking about; moreover, I am talking about making life changes that remove you from or help correct the situation. Aka RTH, Ride To Hell, or The Long Ride, TLR.

THE MARRIAGE BUBBLE. - TMB The act or actions that put you in a position of nearly always being a step, inches, or extremely close to being kicked to the curb, divorced, or killed in your sleep. (See also, Line of Stupidity, LOS)

THE ONE LAW - TOL. What happens in the (fill in the blank) stays in the (fill in the blank).

THEOREM OF CONVENTIONAL WISDOM. – TOCW. (Pronounced Tock Wa). (not to be confused with TOWCies.) Aka Theory of Directions, TOD. A theory that proves the link between rules, directions, and conventional wisdom.

THE STREETLIGHT RULE – TSLR. You have to be home by the time the street lights come on. However, in different areas of the block the lights came on at different times. Yeah right, but it was always worth a shot.

THE TRIP – The decisions, acts, or actions that have put you where you are. The victories and defeats, the great days and the bad. The ups and downs. All the baggage, idiosyncrasies, hope, happiness, neurotic tendencies, foibles, and GRANDEUR that is life. The time span between birth and death. I know the term has been used and linked to drug use and abuse, however, this is NOT about drug use. It is about the life you are living. LIFE! It happens to the best of us.

THE TWO-PART RULE (FOR MOVIES) - With part one stating, “If there is pink on the cover, SHE will love ‘er,” and part two stating “Flame or fire, it’s a guy ‘er.”

THESEXUALFIRES – Do I really need to explain this? C’mon. Think back to the first time. And not the first time by yourself.

TULD - The Universal Law of Definitions. (pronounced Tooled) A word cannot be used to define itself.

THE WAR – The act(s) and actions of being a man. The competitive juxtapositions of what we learned as boys. The struggle to figure it out. Whole of maleness, evolves around this concept. If it did not, then how do you explain mankind and our continual warring?

THE WEDDING INDUSTRY - TWI. The business of getting married and all the coattail-riding businesses that rely on marriages to sell their products.

THIRTY MINUTES – The maximum time allowed for research on any contention I wish to research to validate any point I chose. Over thirty minutes is too much work, and I will invariably find a different logical access point to prove my theories. Or simply make up something to prove my point. MBMR

THMB&WTC – The Hold My Beer & Watch This Crowd. Result of the act(s)(ions) of these guys usually measured on the Idiocy Index.

TOADYFORCASH – Anyone that values money over honor. Anyone that reneges on their word. NEVER sign a contract with these types they will not honor it. These guys skate the thin line between legality and fraud. They know who they are and I am sure you know a few.

TOWC - The Oprah Watching Crowd. (pl. TOWCies pronounced tow see, or tow sees) Women that watch Oprah. If you are a man watching Oprah, on your own volition, and TBOGL is not involved, turn in your Pack Credentials now. Better yet, put them back in the sig-oth’s purse...you really do not need them.

TRIVIAL BANTER – This is caused by TWOT. The language of Women Speak, spoken by women everywhere. The root language may be different in different countries but the language transcends the boundaries of dialect. Aka blah, blah, blah.

TTBOATR – Ticking Time Bomb Of Ability To Reproduce. (Pronounced titty boater) My version of the biological clock. Anything with the word BOAT buried in it has got to be good, right?

TUMF - The Ultimate Male Fantasy. See also twofer.

TWOFER – Two girls one guy. See also TUMF. Need I say more?

TWOT – (pronounced Tee-What?) Tangential Web Of Thought. Women think in a web. Men think in the linear. They are talking and we are saying WHAT? What are you talking about? The reason we have a difficult time conversing with women. The web of thought vs. the line of thought. Do not make the mistake of pronouncing this like you really think it should be pronounced. You have been warned.



U

UF – Underwear Flip. Turning the boxers, briefs or ugh, whiteytighties / bikinibriefs inside out, in an effort to get another day or more of use. Sometimes for the avoidance of having to do laundry, sometimes for the sake of breaking the rules. You can admit to it. It is okay.

UnTID – Undo The I Do. (pronounced untied) Get Divorced.



V

VAGARIES OF PERCEPTION – VOP. This is a quality of truth, pertaining to the difference of points of view, either mental, through the five senses, or metaphysical realities. This accounts for some of our boyish ambivalence to following rules. This is also a primary facet of the telephone game.

VM – Very Manly. The opposite of NVM.



W

WATCHER –Wingman Assisted, Telephone Call for Heroics, Escape, or Rescue. A call FOR HELP to one of the guys, to get you outta a bad date. Anytime you see red flags flying in numbers that you cannot count, you may use a WATCHER. From what I hear, it is a something women arrange quite frequently. If you get this call, your duty is to respond. “I got your back, and will help you outta this.” (but you owe me.) The difficulty level of extricating yourself from what ever you are doing when you get this call, is directly related to how much indebted the caller is. The ONLY exception to NOT answering the WATCHER is if you are involved in a twofer.

WBS – Would Be Suitor. Young guys wishing to get with our daughters. What were we when we were that age. Aka HLB or Horny Little Bastards.

WEAREGOINGTONEEDABIGGERHOUSEITIS – An affliction occurring after the pups are born and the two-bedroom starter bungalow is too small. Usually associated with packratitis (or repeated condom failure.)

WHATCHAMACALLIT – You know a thingamajig. Can’t quite put your finger on what it is called. It has a name, but dingalydang, I cannot remember what it is.

WHATEVERITIS – The items on a honey- do list. See also guychores.

WHITEHATS – The good guys.

WHITEMATTERER - (pl. WhiteMatterers) Women have more white matter in their brain. Draw your own conclusions…

WHINNYASSES – Any guesses? It may relate to women, but your guess is as good as mine.

WIO NOBLONOF - An acronym for Walk It Off, NO BLOod NO Foul. Not a real person. Just in case you were wondering.

WTF FACTOR – (or simply WTFF.) What The F@#$ Factor. The ability or cognizant relativity to the comprehension of the topic. A correlation to the GASF.

WORD BANK – A place to store the words you either saved by looking at the picture on the box, before beginning any project, or the words you did not use during the day at the job.

WOW,SIR – Wonderfully Obliging Woman, SIR. (Pronounced Wow zer). A woman that understands your needs, and is obviously obliging to make sure they are met.

X

Y

Y-CHROMOSOME – The acronym is as follows: Y-chromosome-Contains Heroism, is Relevant to Orchestrating Masculine Operational Systems and Orientation of the Male Enigma. The very thing that makes a man, a man, and the acronym that corresponds to our maleness.

Z

ZENIETH – Zone of Elation Nirvana Including Every True Hero